Hummer I Got You Beat!

So I'm reading the latest copy of Outside Magazine, and Hummer takes out a full page spread with this guy mountain biking in California. He is starting out at a trail head with his brand new H3T all geared up with bikes in the back and a full roof rack full of camping gear. I noticed the H3T is a little small though. What is up with that? Is gas getting expense back there? Is it not cool to drive a big SUV anymore? Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that. When I wanna hit some serious mountain bike trails, I just load up the 30,000 lb MRAP-CSUV (Mine Resistant Armored Personnel-Combat Sport Utility Vehicle) OK, I made the last part up, but this thing is dope! It is the perfect vehicle to get you to the best mountain biking the world has to offer, even if you have to fight your way there. When some environmentalist or insurgent tells you that you can't ride on a certain trail, "These are protected lands....boo-hoo" or "You're an infidel...waah-waah", you just aim the optional 50 caliber machine gun at them. Surprisingly they reconsider. It will get you to any trailhead and back, as long as it's close enough to the gas station. This thing doesn't get that good of gas mileage. Good thing, I don't pay for it. The underrated winch, police siren, and rhino mount come standard. The bike rack is optional. This baby rocks! It is the safest way to get to your favorite mountain biking spot imaginable. All you Hummer owners can stop crying now, these won't be available in the states for quite some time. But when they do, you won't be the coolest kids on the block anymore.